Submit.

This is what I did today:
Talked to my advisor and professor about my application to a graduate school I've been convinced for months that I want to get into. After almost an hour of deliberation (which is a long time when a professor has students waiting outside her office), we decided on the changes I should make to my essay and one of the stories I must send. Then, I came back to my dorm, sat down with some iced tea (studiously ignoring the window by my bed that so easily distracts me), and added the finishing touches to my portfolio. Next, I went online and started filling in my online application. Now, this might sound strange, but the nearer I got to to end of the application, the more breaths I had to take. It was partly from excitement, but mostly because I'm scare to death. Finally, thinking that the application wouldn't go through until I paid the fee, I clicked

submit.

Well, it went through without my paying the fee, in a way. I have to mail a check, now, instead of being able to pay online. But right about now I'm beginning to wonder...who am I to assume I can make it in grad school? I didn't intend to submit my portfolio until March! Here it is, the 16th of February, and I've suddenly taken a huge step I didn't mean to take. So maybe it isn't that my work isn't ready to be sent.
Maybe I'M not ready to have sent it.
But I have to think back to a Sunday when I learned about impossible faith. Not the kind that people have every once in a while in moments when there's nothing left to cling to but God.
No, I mean the kind God has in us.
I'll be the first one to admit that I'm often insecure. This is why it strikes such a chord in me...this possibility that God believes in me (in you) against all odds. Imagine! We think it's hard to believe in a God we can't physically see. But he believes in us.
Wouldn't it be so nice, so simple, to just lay back against him and breathe? To know that we cannot do anything that separates us from his love? But I guess that's the way it really is, after all, and it's not just wishful thinking. I guess, no matter how many times I prove that I'm fallible and that I will always, always mess up, all I really have to do is

submit,

and there he is, believing in me, even when I don't believe in myself.