Little Girl Dreams

"We're going to be perfect when we're eighteen," I say, the  innocent hope of an eight year old swelling in my chest like a balloon. 
"We'll be beautiful and thin, and we'll have boyfriends. I think we should have an apartment together, too," my best friend answers as she brushes deep purple eye shadow onto her eyelids. Her smooth skin begins to look bruised, but neither of us knows this even as we glance at ourselves in the mirror.


Fourteen years ago, when I had this conversation with my friend, I couldn't see past age eighteen. Eighteen was the epitome of grown up. It was the apex of vitality, the ultimate goal. But I am not what I thought I would be, and the mirror is still a magnet.
Twenty-two years old, almost out of college, and I wake up some mornings wishing I could disappear.
I am being honest and, right now, I'm a little happy you don't know me.
Yet, this is what God says about me:

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. ~Psalm 139:14~

I am the apple of His [God's] eye. ~ Deuteronomy 7:6~

He means it, too, which surprises me often. I am so...human. So not the woman I thought I would become, so imperfect. I pretend that I am not. I guess we all do that to some extent. I wonder what it would be like if we told each other that we are clay. So, maybe I should let you know me. 

Nathaniel Hawthorne once wrote in his famous novel, The Scarlet Letter, that we should let the world know something , some little part of us, that is not perfect so that people can guess at the things in us that aren't quite right. This way, he wrote, no one can be too proud or hypocritical. Above all, no one can believe that anyone is perfect other than God, and this will bring true glory to the Lord. 

I've always liked Hawthorne. He's got a point. :-) To that end, here are some things about me that aren't perfect so you know that I am not always happy or content. Now, (since you had no idea before ;-)) you can be sure only God is truly holy. Doesn't that make his grace all the more amazing? 

~ I cannot get enough of Starbucks! (Didn't you know I'd always mention it??)

~ I worry too much. Way too much.

~ I don't like crowds. In fact, I'd rather be with 2 or 3 people because I feel completely out of control otherwise. 

~ I'm scared of losing control.

~ I'm emotional. 

One more thing: I felt kind of down when I started writing this, but I'm feeling better now. God's word tends to do that to a person, I think. So, thank you for "listening," and just so you know, I'd like to know you and your strengths and faults, as well. Fell free to share. :-)