REACHING

I am a perfectionist. Along with this comes the constant feeling that there is always something to be done, always something that's not good enough, always a need for just a few more corrections.
I'm tired, really.
Sometimes, people tell me they wish they could be like me. I always get my work done on time. I'm always striving for the best possible grade. But I don't know. If they knew, I don't think they'd want to be quite like this. I got an 86 on a short response essay a couple weeks ago. Most students would be fine with this. I am not. In fact, I still think about it in the hopes that it will keep me from getting such a low grade again.
Is it worth it?
I'm beginning to wonder. When I'm so worried about some last tiny detail that I don't take the time to read my Bible like I used to, maybe it's not worth it. When the thought of a paper or presentation or test stresses me out so much that my stomach feels sick for days, maybe it's just not worth it.
Truth is, though, this has never stopped me.
Is this pride or utter insecurity? I've been thinking about that a lot lately, too. Do I think I'm just too good to get less than an A, or is my self-worth so tied up in good grades that I believe I've failed when I get less than an A? Maybe it's both. Maybe they are a little intertwined so that I can't untangle them, a knot of yarn. This is part of the reason I cannot wait to graduate. Chances are, I'll find something else to obsess over. But maybe I'll find some kind of freedom when my progress is not marked by a scarlet letter on a page.
Maybe I should be free of all this nonsense already, knowing as I do that God does not measure my success by how perfect my grades are.
But I don't really feel that way most of the time. Most of the time, I'm too busy REACHING, my fingers splayed, grasping for things that just don't seem to exist in the wind I'm chasing.
I guess that could be the real problem: I am chasing the wind. Aren't there more important things?